Can codependency be healthy?

Confession: I’m a therapist who works with codependency, and I absolutely hate the word codependent.

There seems to be the unspoken understanding of the word codependence which leaves people thinking it’s not healthy, not right, dysfunctional, to depend on someone. I’ve seen therapists in Facebook groups actively argue that the idea of codependency is outdated, unhelpful, even harmful.

You may find yourself googling phrases like, “is codependency bad?” or “why is codependency bad?”

Or you the phrase “can codependency be healthy?” may have brought you here. Welcome!

And I get it. Looking at that word, which literally has the word “dependent” in it, and hearing it talked about in our society, we may start thinking that the conclusion is that depending on others is bad.

I want to be absolutely clear: as human beings, we are wired for connection. No one was meant to survive alone. Depending on others is not bad.

Furthermore, it’s important to recognize that total independence is not the goal. We, as human beings, cannot operate fully independently. Nor should we.

So let’s dive into this a bit:

What is codependency, really?

If we’re trying to explore if codependency is healthy, exploring if we understand the word codependency can be a good place to start.

The definition of codependence can feel a bit slippery. I’ve seen it described many ways, and to be honest, I have difficulty summarizing this in just a short sentence or two. So let me give you some of the general ideas behind it:

Codependence holds the idea that you are repeatedly sacrificing yourself to serve others. It holds the idea that you may have lost all sense of yourself in trying to adapt to others’ needs. It holds the idea that if others need you, they will see you as worthy of love, and they won’t leave you. It holds the idea that you are depending on others to define who you are, and that part of your definition of yourself is that others depend on you.

I’ve seen some therapists describe codependency as self abandonment, which feels much closer to the truth to me.

Does this capture it all? No. But here are some things you might notice if codependence is at play:

You have difficulty making decisions. You have difficulty identifying your emotions. You have difficulty saying no, for fear of upsetting someone. You feel guilty for much of your time. You spend a lot of your downtime worrying about others. You want to “fix” other people’s problems (regardless of if they’ve asked for your help or not). You try harder to fix other people’s problems than they do. You want to control outcomes, including how others think and behave.

Shoot, that sounds like me! Does that definitely mean I’m codependent?

I want to be clear that binary is generally not a great way of looking at things, so there also needs to be room for cultural difference and societal expectations as we think about this. For example, in some cultures, the norm is that you sacrifice yourself in service of your family. Or sometimes you might not say no even though you want to because you fear for your safety (I’m thinking here of marginalized communities that might be operating to keep their emotional or physical well being safe). That said, if you’re noticing that you’re struggling in your relationships- you’re feeling lost, worn down, or like you can’t figure out how to move forward in life, it’s a good time to get curious.

Looking at your own experience can help you decide your own thoughts about if codependency can be healthy. Healthy can be a tricky word, particularly in the mental health world. Thinking about yourself, is codependency healthy for you?

The most important question to ask yourself is really, “is this working for me?” Getting curious about the reasons behind your actions can provide clarity, and help you start moving closer to a life that is true to you.

So, I don’t have to be 100% independent?

Back to dependence. Does this mean that you shouldn’t depend on others in relationships? Absolutely not. You should be able to depend on a partner to pick up groceries at the end of the day to help out the family dynamic. You should be able to depend on a friend to find a time to sit with you and eat ice cream after a breakup. And you should be able to depend on a relationship to withstand conflict and you saying no.

If you’re feeling ready to try and rethink how you relate in relationships, I want to remind you that having space in your life to depend on others is absolutely a part of being healthy.

What’s the goal if we have codependent tendencies, then?

And here’s where I want to offer that I honestly have a hard time saying that codependency is healthy. It’s also important that I say here that codependency has probably helped you in some way. That is the beautiful part of how we grow and adapt and cope. There’s no shame in surviving.

Where do you you go from here? There’s a lot to be said about untangling codependency, but as a general goal, we’re looking for interdependence. Give and take. Knowing that sometimes you’ll need to lean on someone, and knowing they can lean on you from time to time. If you’re feeling some of this, it’s probably a good sign you’re on the right track.

Can you set boundaries that feel true to you? Do you feel connected to your own wishes and needs? Can you be a full individual, meeting another full individual, and find the joy and beauty that lives in that relationship?

And if you need help teasing out your codependent tendencies; if you need help figuring out how you feel; if you need help understanding and implementing boundaries, you’re not alone. It’s OK for you to step back from helping others, and ask for help for yourself.

Kate O’Brien, LCAT

Kate is a licensed therapist in New York. She works with people who grew up in challenging families, who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect, codependency and grief. Learn more here or schedule a consult call here if interested in working with her.