How to ask for what you want in a relationship

“Am I too needy?”

“They have a lot going on. I can get by as I am.”

Do these thoughts feel familiar to you? They do to me. The idea that I’m too needy is a thought that I’ve carried with me for much of my life. And that has made it extra challenging to figure out how to ask for what I want. 

It’s taken time, care and compassion to work towards unweaving that narrative. I trust that if this is something that you’re struggling with, that with care, you can start to unweave these stories you’ve internalized. 

And part of that process is figuring out how to identify your needs and wants, and to learn how to ask for what you want.

Let’s get started.

Is it OK to ask for what you want in a relationship?

Asking for what you want and need in a relationship can feel so hard.

Sometimes we have been taught that asking for ourselves is selfish.

Sometimes we’ve internalized the fantasy that our partner or partners should know what we want without having to ask.

Sometimes it’s just hard to figure out what you need.

All that said, I want to start by saying that it is both OK and important to ask for what you need and to ask for what you want. Asking for what you need in a relationship can be a key piece in the success of a relationship.

Why does asking for what we want in a relationship feel so hard?

It’s vulnerable to ask for what you need. I don’t think this is acknowledged enough when talking about when you ask for what you want. It can feel scary to imagine that your needs or wants won’t be honored.

And a bigger piece is that if the person you’re in relationship is unable or unwilling to give you what you need, you may be faced with some big decisions. Do you maintain the relationship, or is it time for that relationship to end. Sometimes even just considering that question can cause pain. Give yourself some compassion as you navigate these challenges.

Fear of being too needy: I notice this fear a lot in working with people who grew up in spaces where their needs- physical and/or emotional- weren’t met consistently. If you learned it was not OK to ask for what you want when you were growing up, it can translate to feeling as an adult that you are too needy.

I want to remind you that all human beings have needs. Having needs doesn’t make you needy; it makes you human.

And if you’re wondering, “how do I ask for what I want without being too needy?” I’m wondering if there is a different way of framing asking for what you need. You can always ask for what you need; the person you’re asking always has the right to let you know what needs they can and cannot meet.

And I want to remind you that if a person is not able to meet your needs, it does not mean that you are too needy. It simply means that they cannot meet your needs.

You don’t know what your needs are: This is another common theme I find coming up when trying to figure out how to ask for what you want in a relationship. It’s especially true if a big part of your life is taking care of others.

Sometimes we grow so immersed in taking care of others, that we lose sight of our own needs. If you grew up in a space where you felt you needed to take care of your caregivers to survive, you may have buried your own needs deep within you.

It may take some practice, but there are ways to find your way back to identifying your needs. You’re worth taking care of.

You want the other person to already know what your needs and wants are: I get it. We are inundated with messages in romantic comedies, books, movies, that a sign of love is someone being able to read your thoughts and desires.

The problem is, that’s not realistic.

And yes, I also know that it can be exhausting to both figure out your needs, and to ask for them. This can be further complicated by societal dynamics. It’s not uncommon that women in the household are doing many tasks that need to be done, while also carrying the emotional labor of figuring out and listing those tasks. It may require some practice and learning from each other to move to a closer balance of labor. The book Fair Play can give some insight and tools in this area.

As much as I wish I could say mindreading is a thing in this regard, it’s not. You can recognize the part that wants someone to know what you need, and give it some compassion. And then you can take the step to ask for what you need.

How do I know what my needs are in a relationship?

It’s especially hard to figure out how to ask for what you want in a relationship if you aren’t in touch with what your needs are to begin with.

This can be especially common for those of us who have made ourselves smaller to make relationships work.

Perhaps you grew up in a space where your needs felt like too much.

Or perhaps a former partner told you that you were being too dramatic.

At the risk of being redundant, I want to remind you that it is normal and healthy to have needs, and you have every right to ask for what you need. You are not inherently a burden.

So how do you know what your needs are in a relationship? It can help to ask yourself some questions like:

Would I be OK if this relationship never changed?

Do I find myself constantly having to adapt or adjust?

Do I find that I am often worn down after interacting with this person?

Are there times when I feel uncomfortable with expectations that are put on me?

Speaking for myself, I also know that I had a shift within myself when I stopped asking myself what the bare minimum for survival was, and started asking what would help me thrive as my best self within a relationship.

Fostering a relationship with yourself will help you start to understand your needs more fully. Start checking in when people ask you to do things, when you ask for things, or when you find yourself compromising. Just checking in with yourself without putting pressure on yourself to immediately change is a good first step.

How do you ask for what you need in a relationship?

Like I said, asking for what you need in a relationship can feel scary. I want to remind you that there are people out there who will want to support you, and to help you as they are able.

Sometimes it’s also helpful to remember that others may even enjoy helping you get your needs and wants met.

With that, I will say, there are a few ways to approach asking for what you need in a relationship.

You can ask directly, for example: “I need more support when I have my surgery next week. Can you help me?”

Depending on the relationship, you may want to let the person know that it is hard for you to ask, for example, “this feels hard to ask for, but I want some acknowledgement for my birthday this year.”

You may also let the person you’re asking that it would mean a lot to you to meet a need or want. For example, “it would really mean a lot to me if you gave me a hug when I get home.”

It may also help to give thanks and validation for when others are able to give you want you want.

It is always within your right to ask for what you need. That said, the person always has the right to let you know if they can or cannot meet that need. Remember if that person says no, it doesn’t mean that person does not care about you. It simply means that they cannot meet the need. Sometimes the challenge in asking for something is the narrative that we create if it doesn’t happen. That narrative is not always accurate.

And if that person continuously can’t meet your needs, you get to decide if you’re OK with that, or if you want to change or let go of the relationship.

On the flip side though, you may find that they are able to meet your needs, and you may thrive more fully than you ever have before. I truly wish that for you.

What you gain for asking for your needs

If it’s hard to ask for what you want in a relationship, it can be helpful to remember the benefits of asking for your needs.

It can lead to more solid relationships: When you are asking for what you need in a relationship, you are both teaching that person what you need, and you are more likely to get what you need. In a fulfilling relationship, it’s important to know that it’s OK to ask for needs, and ultimately, that may bring you closer.

By letting others know what you need, you are more likely to get your needs met. Yes, mindreading here would be helpful, but that hasn’t been invented yet, so communication is important.

It’s information for you if the other person can’t meet needs: Ultimately, knowing how a person can and cannot meet your needs helps you to know if and how to move forward with the relationship. 

I know that there are emotions that come with these interactions. There is room for compassion for any challenging emotions that come up. And there is also room to decide if this relationship is right for you. 

I should also mention that just because a person can’t meet certain needs, doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. You may find you can get needs met in other ways. You may need to change your expectations. And yes, you may decide to end the relationship.

Ultimately, you get to decide what is best for you. It’s also OK if you don’t have a clear answer for yourself right now. Taking in these bits of information as you ask for what you need may help you decide over time what steps you want to take.

Final thoughts on asking for what you want in a relationship

Yes, it can feel so vulnerable to ask for what you need. Yes, it can be hard to know how to ask for what you want in a relationship.

And yes, you have every right to have your needs met. You deserve to receive care and compassion, both from others and from yourself.

You have every right to have relationships where others are helping you meet your needs, and supporting you in having a full life where you are thriving.

Be kind to yourself on this journey. It’s a process, but you are so worth it.

Kate O’Brien, LCAT

Kate is a licensed therapist in New York. She works with people who grew up in challenging families, who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect, who experience self-abandonment and people pleasing, and grief. Learn more here or schedule a consult call here if interested in working with her.