When You Have a Fear of Disappointing Others

You’re not alone if you feel bad about the idea of letting people down. 

I remember once relaying a story to my therapist (yes, therapists see therapists) about a situation with someone else where I was feeling physical pain. I did not want to tell that person to stop, because they were enjoying themselves. My therapist commented, “So their pleasure was more important than your pain?”

Oof.

And I was reminded how deep the fear of disappointing others can live within us.

There are many people who feel this way. It can be connected to kindness, caring and empathy, all traits which can be beneficial to yourself and others. That said, an intense fear of letting people down can become overwhelming, or leave you frozen in making choices. It may also leave you feeling like you can’t be yourself. 

Fear of disappointing others might turn into people pleasing or over giving in relationships. It might look like hiding your true identity. It might look like always prioritizing other people’s needs, leaving you worn down, exhausted, or lonely.

If the fear of letting people down is strong enough to leave you feeling this way, it’s worth taking time to understand it a bit more. It’s worth looking at if you want to change some of the ways you are living.

And it’s worth looking at ways you can start to overcome or move through those fears in order to find a life that feels more true to yourself. Your needs are important. You are important.

Causes: Why is it so hard for me to let people down?

When you’re carrying a fear of letting other people down, it is often tied to past experiences. I like to look at people’s experiences growing up, roles they’ve played in their family or with romantic partners, as well as societal messages.

Sometimes the fear of disappointing others can come from growing up in a family where there was a lot of expectation put on you. Perhaps you were a caretaker, and you were rewarded for helping others. Perhaps you felt responsible for the happiness of others in your family because there were other difficult dynamics at play. It’s not uncommon for kids to want to make caregivers happy, especially when their caregivers are stressed in other ways.

The fear of disappointing others can also be a sign that you didn’t feel accepted for who you were growing up. Perhaps you grew up in spaces where your mistakes were scrutinized. Perhaps you grew up being put down when you tried to be yourself. Perhaps you were compared to siblings or peers, and left feeling like you were “less than.”

Not being accepted may also come from bigger societal messaging. We are inundated with messages around what is “normal.” If any part of your identity lives outside the “norm,” it can leave you having a tougher time living as your true self. This may be connected to visible parts of our identity: race and skin color, disabled vs non-disabled, as well as parts of ourselves that we may choose to keep hidden: gender expression and identity, and sexuality are examples.

If any of this rings true for you, I want to remind you that fear of letting others down can be a natural outcome. That fear has probably helped protect you in some way or many ways. It may have helped you feel loved. It may have helped you survive in your community. There is space to be grateful for how that part of yourself has served you. And if you feel there are ways it is no longer serving you, there is space to let yourself try to make some changes.

How do I stop being scared of disappointing people?

I understand the feeling of not wanting to disappoint others. I’ve felt it too. That said, as human beings, it’s impossible to avoid ever making a mistake or disappointing others. 

That may not leave you feeling better, but it might help to remember that you are a human being. Yes, you are a human being. You will make mistakes. It is normal and OK to make mistakes. It does not make you bad, unworthy or unloveable.

And if your inner critic is telling you “I disappoint everyone,” I want to remind you that the critic who lives in your head isn’t always the wisest. It may be trying to prevent you from future hurts, but that doesn’t mean it knows what it's talking about. 

Here are a few things to consider if you’re looking to make a shift around your fear of letting people down:

Remember you can’t please everyone. It is impossible to make everyone happy at all times. Remind yourself of this in those moments when you find yourself bending over backwards every which way to please others. 

People pleasing can be a natural outcome when wanting to feel loved. It can be a natural outcome when you’ve been shamed for your choices. It can be a natural outcome when you’ve been shamed for who you are. You can remind yourself that it’s not wrong you feel this way while still actively trying to change it.

Remember that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. Now, I’ve had many conversations about this idea, and it definitely deserves more nuance than what I just wrote, but I want to remove you from the responsibility of making sure everybody’s emotions are regulated and OK. 

Do your actions and choices impact other people’s feelings? Yes. 

Does that mean that you need to move in a way that is always trying to avoid disappointing others one hundred percent of the time? No.

You can move with kindness and empathy towards others while still making the right choices for yourself. Ultimately, it is the responsibility of the person with the challenging feelings to find ways to cope and regulate their own experience. 

Remind yourself that you are loveable, just as you are. I know, this may feel cheesy and cliche. Sometimes things are cliche for a reason. No matter what our systems in society tell you; no matter what your family tells you; no matter what past or current partners tell you, you are a human being who has worth.

No one is perfect all of the time. If you make a mistake, that doesn’t change your worth at all. Yes, there are times you may disappoint others (I imagine there are also times others have disappointed you as well), but many relationships can withstand that. Relationships can become richer when there is room for people to share their positive and negative feelings, and still be heard and accepted.

Find places where you feel accepted. Sometimes the work is shifting yourself; sometimes the work is shifting your environment. If you find yourself surrounded by people who are criticizing you or your identity, you may want to look at if you want to continue to be around those people. 

Now, I want to acknowledge that the people you’re around may be filling a need in your life. Perhaps challenging people are co-workers, and you need a paycheck. Perhaps challenging people are your family, and you do benefit in some ways from their support. It’s OK to acknowledge that, and to make the choice to keep these people in your life. That said, it might be worth looking at how much time you spend with them, and what that shared time looks like. 

You may start implementing boundaries around the amount of time you spend with certain people. You may start implementing boundaries around what kinds of conversations you will and will not have with certain people.

And with that, I would still encourage you to look for the people in your life where you feel safe and accepted. There are people in this world who will accept you for who you are. There are people in this world who will not hold your mistakes against you. There are people in this world who will celebrate you, imperfections and all.

Start trying to do the hard thing, little by little. A tricky part of navigating things that make us nervous or anxious, is that one of the best ways to get through the challenging feelings is to do the hard thing. I wish I could offer you a magic answer that meant you could avoid the hard things, but I can’t.

What I can offer is that it’s OK to start small. When you take steps to do the hard things, you may start to understand the difference between what is uncomfortable, and what is dangerous. 

You might start by asking for something different for dinner than what your partner requests. It could mean saying no to a social gathering. It might mean when a coworker asks you to do something for them, letting them know you don’t have the bandwidth right now. Notice that while it may feel uncomfortable, it is survivable. 

And if you need to, you can take steps to remind yourself that you are OK. That could mean meditating, taking a walk and noticing how your body feels as it moves, or putting a weighted blanket on your lap. Sometimes reminding our bodies that we are OK helps us remember that we are indeed, OK.

I also want to let you know that if it makes other people uncomfortable when you express a wish or need, that does not mean that you shouldn’t express it. Your needs are just as important as the needs of others.

A Note About Labels: Atelophobia and Atychiphobia

I feel I should confess here that when I thought about writing about the fear of disappointing others, I googled it. One of the results was the word atelophobia, which is an obsessive fear of imperfection. Another result was atychiphobia, which is an intense fear of failure.

As a therapist, I have mixed feelings about labels. Sometimes they help with understanding; other times they leave us feeling “othered” or boxed in. That said, I’ll offer this: if having a name for this feeling is helpful to you, feel free to use it. If not, you don’t have to. 

A Note About Social Norms and the Fear of Disappointing Others

We live in a world that favors whiteness. We live in a world that favors gender conformity and heteronormativity. We live in a world that tells us to pity disabled people. Just because society tells us these things, it doesn’t make them true.

I would be lying to you if I said that you were imagining these dynamics. It can be hard standing up against social norms. You are allowed to stand up as little or as much as feels right for you. I know this can be tied to the fear of disappointing others. If there is any part of you that feels like you are “wrong” for who you are, I want to remind you that you are not. 

If there is any part of you that feels like you aren’t “enough”; that you aren’t Black enough, that you aren’t queer enough, that you are feminine or masculine enough, that you aren’t pretty enough, that you aren’t thin enough, that you aren’t capable enough; I want to remind you that you are. You are allowed to be who you are in this world, and that is enough. You are enough.

Final Thoughts about the Fear of Letting People Down

It can be utterly exhausting trying to live your life for the happiness of other people. I want to remind you that your needs are important. You are allowed to express your wishes and desires. And there are people who will love and accept you through the disappointments and challenges.

Kate O’Brien, LCAT

Kate is a licensed therapist in New York. She works with people who grew up in challenging families, who have experienced emotional trauma or neglect, codependency and grief. Learn more here or schedule a consult call here if interested in working with her.